We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
