So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just gargled with NyQuil
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
