Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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