Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
