Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
