either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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