Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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