oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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