I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
