first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
