He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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