you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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