those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
