my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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