At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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