i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
