Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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