You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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