he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
