everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
