Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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