rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
