i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
