just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
