Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
