glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
