Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
