i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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