Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I am spending my child support on dildos
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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