i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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