I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
