i want to swaddle you in tequila
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
