I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
