just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
