We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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