So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
