i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
