He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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