So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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