Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
