I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
