Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
