I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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