i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
