You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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