I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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