My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
