I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
