I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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