i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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