He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
