True but thats because hes a fetus.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
