When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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